I make no claim to have all the answers to pet loss and grief, but I do know that I have a lot of experience. By Donna Wills RVN, PgCert A Phys, MIRVAP(VP).
I have had a long career as a veterinary nurse and animal physiotherapist. As a nurse, I worked in a small vet clinic, a larger hospital, emergency and critical care, and in a rescue home.
As an animal physiotherapist, I have formed close bonds with many caregivers and their loved ones. All of this gave me a huge experience in supporting others through their grief in many respects. For some, I had no previous bond with a caregiver or their loved ones.
For others, I felt like I was one of the family and that hit me hard, but it also meant I knew how hard this loss was likely to be for them. This gave me a special role in their grief recovery. It also helped me to help them prepare for their goodbye and help them find ways to talk about it.
Not everyone wants to talk about it. It’s a very hard subject. I had my hardest lesson when I lost my boy, Logan. Even I had wanted to deny that this day was coming and deny acknowledging my pre-grief.
I lost my boy on a very cold night in January 2021. I will never forget that night and the snow that fell as he left his earthly shell, will always remain a trigger for a flood of emotion.
Two years after losing my boy I was still being triggered, usually by the weather. After another tearful moment, I had a fire in my belly and it was only settled by writing. I wrote my whole journey of my life with my boy, why we were so bonded right through to our final moments, his beautiful goodbye and the days that followed.
I had him for 16 years so it was nearly half of my life, and certainly the most important half! My heart flooded out and it was cathartic to recognise the emotions I was having on my journey to being prepared and giving him the best goodbye.
I feel fortunate to have my background. It meant I did know what was needed to make it the best goodbye. I knew where to turn to for help. I knew what I needed to achieve the dearest gift I could give Logan. But even I was worried I would not be able to give him what he deserved as there were challenges.
I am proud to have written my memoir. In doing so I share a list that can help others plan for their best goodbye. Of course, it’s not an exhaustive list. There will always be others with wonderful ideas. You don’t need to do all of these ideas either. But it can be reassuring to know what ideas you may want to put in place. I also share some help so you can find counsellors and get other levels of more professional help if needed. There is no shame in needing help to cope with all grief.
I also discuss my pre-grief. Sometimes it’s called anticipatory grief. This is a difficult one to recognise. You know something isn’t quite right. You are anxious about something but you are not sure what. Largely because you don’t really want to acknowledge that the grey years are setting in.
Your brain subconsciously knows but won’t tell the conscious part of your brain. So there is conflict in the mind. That is the only way I can describe it. I do know that it is super hard to recognise in yourself.
When I have suggested it to people around me, they often hear me with shock and then realisation… This was right… This was it… And then there is some calm as they recognise they are already grieving for something that has not even happened yet, but they fear it coming.
I understand this only too well. I also felt this.
Grief and pet loss are things we are not good at talking about as a nation. We need to get talking and make it ok to have a weep, no matter what gender we are. There are often thoughts that we need to have a stiff upper lip. But that is not true. We need to be as kind to ourselves in these moments as we are to our pets. They aren’t really pets. They are our closest family.
For all my fellow veterinary professionals, I strongly suggest doing bereavement courses to help you help your caregivers. It will help you feel better in those moments.
If we do have to talk business at this moment, we are taught that making that goodbye special and kind is the only way to retain that family as future clients. But most importantly, handling it well helps you feel at peace in your day too.
The Best Goodbye – A True Story of Love and Farewell, By Donna Wills is available direct on www.animalphysiotherapy.org.uk/the-best-goodbye or from Amazon and Waterstones online.
